I’m Not Ready

My flight back to California, back to Los Angeles, is in about 28 hours…

I’m not ready to go back.

I’m looking forward to seeing my partner, but I’m also a bit scared. They haven’t talked to me this whole time I’ve been in Oklahoma (and I’ve only admitted that to a couple people so far). I don’t understand, and I’m scared of what’s going to happen.

I’m not ready at all for school. For the stress. For my mental illnesses to fuck things up again.

I’m not ready for not being able to focus attention on Lukas when I’m in class/etc. Or for him to not have the freedom of a yard to run around in.

I’m not super close with my friends here, but I’m not ready to not be able to see them anymore. At least I have friends here, while I don’t really in California. I take too long to trust and call people “friends.”

Mostly, I’m just not ready for school because I feel frozen after last quarter. I wish time could freeze as much as I feel frozen, but instead, everything always moves so quickly around me.

This picture is unrelated, but I wanted to add a photo to the post anyway. Maybe being depressed is similar though. It seems like everything is moving away, like ripples moving outward, even if it’s replaced immediately. All I can see is the movement and the feeling of being left behind or unable to keep up.

I have other stuff to talk about, but I’ll save it for a post tomorrow, or maybe later tonight.

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